Feeling Unsupported Lately?

There are often some major experiences where people including us might experience and you and your partner might be stuck in a scenario. This suggestion is focused more on someone who is suffering from a major loss, this can be things from the loss of a family of COVID - 19 or a loss of a job. Unsupportive communication is when we attempt to help fix something through communication, but in fact, we were not helping despite our good intentions. The content of our messages that we have said is often seen as unsupportive for the partner as it is not helping them. As a result our messages often led to the receivers of the message feel judged for how they are handling their grief. We may be providing good advice but we end up instructing people on how they should feel and behave, which is some of the most hurtful and unsupportive messages people can give. If this sounds like you here are few ways of helping someone especially when they are facing a loss of something.

1. Action Facilitating Support (Tangible Only)

• Instead having someone to help you with some tasks to help relieve some tasks for them to work through.

• Note: DO NOT help them grieve or tell them you understand how they feel that is not tangible aid!

2. Information Support

"Every few months someone needs to get this stuff off their chest and they unload about family and friends and the things people say. They are really dumb things, like, ‘‘I know just what you are feeling’’ or one of this cliche ́s like ‘‘she’s in a better place now.’’ . . . It sounds good from somebody’s perspective but to a grieving parent it just makes them so mad.”

• Providing advice and instructing on how they should feel and behave are some of the most hurtful and unsupportive messages family and friends can provide.

• Instead listening, being present, and honouring how they express their feelings such as the ongoing connection parents have with their deceased child, family and friends can offer support in a way that facilitates healing and hope.

3. Emotional Support

"For many hours, she would just let me, we were supposed to be studying and she would just let me talk and talk and talk, and she’d cry with me. She was really great, and a lot of friends just, they were there to listen, they didn’t judge, you know."

• Having a close friend or family to listen without judgement.

• Go and be with them. You don’t have to say anything, just say, ‘‘I don’t know how you feel, but I’m here.’’ Go sit down and just be with that person.

4. Actively Seeking Support

“I’ve had several people say, it really helps that you’re so open about it because you know, they, it’s not that they don’t want to communicate, they don’t know. But they can’t, and you can’t expect them to, you know, for the most part.”

• Having people who supports you with good intention even if a certain type of support can get frustrated at times, is something that is better than not having support at all!

Extra Resources That You Might Find interesting!

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References

Toller, P. (2011). Bereaved Parents' Experiences of Supportive and Unsupportive Communication. Southern Communication Journal, 76(1), 17-34. doi:10.1080/10417940903159393